Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
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4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Spring cleaning checklist…
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
See..?
.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
When I laugh on my period