[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
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me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
thinking about a very short hotdog
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist