My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
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I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
When your man makes a valid point
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL