‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678