My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
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my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor