As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
You Might Also Like
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.