All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
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Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I love the honesty
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.