imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
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There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder