saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
You Might Also Like
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
United Steaks of America
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.