Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
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Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.