People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
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There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it