I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
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My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.