6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Who did it better?
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Hello Twits.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
*puts words between two asterisks*
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.