You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
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If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
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When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Feels like the fourth month in January
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.