Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
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[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.