If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
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My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
The opposite of goth is stopth.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames