I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
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(before sex)
*sings national anthem
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now