[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
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Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday