God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
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My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that