Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
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Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Yup!