[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
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“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Same post same
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Extremely relatable.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit