My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
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Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone