Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
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Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Bless you
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I am patiently waiting for your email
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf