Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
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to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Just a phase…
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
figuring out my emotional availability:
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked