You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
You Might Also Like
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
#polloftheday
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush