You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
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why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler