vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
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my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I have so many questions.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.