I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
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CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]