I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
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Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I have no passwords left in me
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Pandas 🐼🖤
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”