*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
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we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
constantly working on myself.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.