Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
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My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.