My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
You Might Also Like
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
ugh not again
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.