you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
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A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
HOW DARE YOU
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’