First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
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Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians