Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
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Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
the red hot silly peppers
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds