Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
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If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
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Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?