What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
You Might Also Like
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My purse is deeper than some people.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.