“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
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God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.