In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
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[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?