Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
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[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Not all heroes wear capes….
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.