Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
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Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My sex drive has a dui
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?