me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
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a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house