me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
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Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby