Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
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Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!