You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
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Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”