What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
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My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
*gets down on one knee*
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.