I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
You Might Also Like
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
(Musicians.)
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Golf would be better with landmines.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories