I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
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Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Every haunted house movie:
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.