cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
You Might Also Like
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
He’s cranky this morning
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner