why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
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Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
mood
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February